BREAKING NEWS.....2500 missing in Appledore

Locals alert authorities to national disaster.

Fearing that the whole beautiful holiday area was in imminent danger of being turned into
an un-refrigerated morgue of stinking rotting dead flesh, desperate neighbours called in
all the local emergency services.

"the perpetrators of this horrendous ignorance should be shot", one was heard to say, going on to say
"We don't know who they are, but we warned them days ago of the dangers."

Other locals were reported as saying that the mere thought of putting so many in danger was beyond belief.
Yet others were heard to say "what? naa... that's pretty normal round 'ere...divvent be daft!".

Rescue services instantly mobilised all that they could muster - we followed the
fire brigade to where-ever they were tasked - we could barely see the engine
in front of us such was the ferocity of the wind and rain...still, it barrelled
on regardless, knowing that so many were at risk.

Despite all the efforts of the police to find the location of the incident,
it appears that 9 hours after it was first reported we still seem to have been the first on the scene:
it was strangely wonderful, as the night wore on, we weren't quite sure of what to expect...
what exactly DID it have for us...

apprehensively, we wondered...and wondered a bit more...then still wondered...
we tried to make sense of what was going on...then, quite suddenly, it dawned on us...

we found ourselves wondering "where indeed was all the fuss?"

However, even at the dead of night the good local farmers volunteered the use of anything
that may be of assistance, everyone can be thankful for their willing assistance
and for how wonderful they were

In view of the number of casualties expected, specially trained animals were draughted in
to search for those still missing.

The massive search and rescue operation stayed in operation until well beyond daybreak when
it was finally revealed that all 2500 apples were accounted for barring one
which appears to have been injured in a fall and is somewhat slightly bruised.

However, despite all the efforts to reason with them, some still seem to be refusing help and are resolutely
sticking to their primary directive - they're staying with their tree whatever.
"We've spent all our lives growing on this tree so we know our tree is right - who are you to tell us otherwise?
We were well prepared for the bad weather - the fact we're still here shows that we know what we're doing.
What do YOU know about being an apple anyway? How many trees have YOU been up?" they were heard to comment....
well, just how do you answer that? I've not been an apple,
I've never lived my life in a tree... maybe just perhaps I should listen a bit more...
just how DO they manage to survive all that and STILL be on the tree?

This approach however was universally deemed unacceptable by the local council and
the tree responsible has now been cut down so that this shocking incident can never EVER
happen again, to the obvious great relief of all the locals.

Despite all the trauma of the weekend, the pies have proved to be really excellent!

As they wrapped up the incident, the fire service told us
we don't mind where we go, or what the emergency is,
it is all part of the wonderful tapestry of life - we never know what
might happen, but we're always glad to assist in any way we can. That's our job. We love doing it!
besides...the pies were fantastic!
...isn't it a wonderful day today! maybe I might go for walk in the lakes when I'm finished here.

Jonathan Ross was asked for a comment: what? apples killing themselves?

pies? Why weren't we told...I'd have been there!